It should come as no surprise that as an atheist who holds only one superstition - kicking a black cat under a ladder whilst opening a blue umbrella indoors on St Patrick’s day is bad luck – it should come as no surprise that I, along with the rest of the rational world, hate chain mail.

However, every now and then I am sent some chain mail which is too absurd not to publicly refute. Here we go, hold onto your hats:

This must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.

On the other hand, if you send this on to me, your stupidity will be posted on the web for all to see! I love the suggestion that if you are not a believer, you are best described as ‘faith impaired’, after it’s not the believer that has the problem, it is the non-believer... they're the crazy ones!

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Give people more than they expect and they will begin to expect more than you can give. Soon, you’ll be required to deliver far more than you possibly can and will find yourself physically drained, downing a bottle of Xanax every night just to detach from a completely self destructive mentality.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

Studies have shown that since the invention of Viagra, old folks are having more sex than ever, leading to the spread of STIs throughout nursing homes and retirement villages. As such, there is no longer an age when you’re too old for sex, so if all you and your partner can do is talk, there is a good chance you repulse each other.

THREE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

It’s true, this is far more effective than looking at their breasts or crotch. That said, this chain mail was meant for adults and if, as an adult, you haven’t learned to look someone in the eye when you apologise, you’re a f*cking idiot!

FOUR. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Why? If a marriage is going to fail, it’s going to fail regardless of how long your with someone.

FIVE. Believe in love at first sight.

Doesn’t this kind of contradict the last one? Love at first sight only exists in the movies. Any good sociologist will tell you that love is a cumulative care and respect and is impossible at first fight. ‘Love at first sight’ is actually sexual attraction or lust and has bugger all to do with love. This is idealistic nonsense that parents try to sell to their children to ingrain some sort of deeper truth beyond sexual attraction. It is absolute bullsh*t.

SIX. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

Yeah, instead of laughing at your partner’s dreams, learn to look interested while you ignore them, that way they can bang on about their desire to be the next Australian Idol, President or Prime Minister or oil billionaire. It’s great to have dreams, but they are your own, if you want to tell someone your dreams, then you should acknowledge that they may not be as supportive as your school guidance counsellor was when she told you you’d make a great fry-cook!

Telling someone your dreams and then expecting them not to laugh is like trying to dig your way out of a really deep hole.

SEVEN. In disagreements, fight fairly.. No name calling.

…unless they call you a name first!

EIGHT. Don't judge people by their relatives.

Instead, judge them by their religious beliefs or – how did they put it – ‘faith impairment’.

NINE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

Are you sure this chain email was meant for adults?

TEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

Of course, this is preferable to stabbing them in the chest, but again, is this for adults or 4 year olds?

ELEVEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

Otherwise their soul will fly out of their nose and they will become possessed by satan and begin writing anti-theist sentiments on blogs for the world to see. Personally, my response to a sneeze is always, “cover your f*cking face next time!’

TWELVE... Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship..

And never forget that make-up sex is best done in a public place.

TWELVE. Smile when picking up the phone... The caller will hear it in your voice.

Aside from this being physically impossible, it is also insanely ludicrous! I would find it extremely hard not to question the intelligence of anyone who believed this.

Now, here's the FUN part!
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks
15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

Has anyone, anywhere, ever been helped by the advice that came in a chain mail? Has anyone, anywhere, ever been subjected to the repercussions of not forwarding such drivel on to the next superstitious victim?